I’m an Internal Family Systems therapist, and that means I see each person as being made up of ‘parts’.
For example, maybe you have an inner critic (most of us do) – that’s the part of you who holds you to very high standards and gives you a hard time when you’re not managing to be perfect 24/7. But the inner critic gets exhausting, so maybe there’s also a part that wants to tap out by doomscrolling for hours and eating a whole tub of ice-cream.
Our parts react to one another just like members of a family – hence the name Internal Family Systems (IFS): a therapy developed by psychologist Richard Schwartz. Some parts of us don’t like other parts, and you have to live with the resulting inner tension, shame and frustration. Parts can hold pain, but also have gifts and insights to share. In IFS, we spend time getting to know your parts, their backstories and learned behaviours.
There are two very important things to remember, though:
- Parts are always *trying* to help.
Usually, a part is carrying out a coping strategy, either to protect you from having to feel pain in the first place, or to try and help you feel better once the pain has begun. For example, the inner critic part probably believes that you need to achieve certain things in order to be safe or loved. The one that likes to tap out is also trying to give you relief and help you to feel better. Even the most extreme parts of us have a strategy and reason for why they behave like that.
- There is a part of you that is NOT a part, called Self energy.
This is our true, unrestricted nature, and we all have access to it, but we lose sight of it when we are blended with our parts. Self energy is compassionate, curious, creative, confident, calm, courageous, connective, and clear. Our parts can unburden and heal when we connect to them with Self energy. An IFS therapist is always aiming to be in Self energy, and help you find your own.
If you’re LGBTQIA+, you don’t have a ‘part’ of you that is queer – that’s innate to your whole system, indivisible from who you are! But you may have parts that carry particular memories, beliefs, or burdens about what it’s like to be you in the world. Growing into queer adults, we have had to navigate and adapt to unique challenges. When I learned about IFS, it seemed to click with how I saw the world: that everyone deserves compassion; there are reasons why we act the way we do; and it’s possible to reach back through time to connect and care for the younger parts of ourselves who didn’t have that support when we needed it. Learning how to relate to yourself compassionately can help you grow and heal, which is something we all deserve.
